Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
(Excerpted from Pauly’s secret journal)
Last Sunday, the sermon was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five
good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five
bad bridesmaids did not.
The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always
end on a high note.
Last Sunday the priest ended with…
“Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids
or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids???”
I guess it was somewhat comforting to know I wasn’t the only one who
gave the wrong answer…
Joke of the Day – Heard By Technicians
Things heard by tech support:
Customer: “Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?”
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) “I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn’t help.”
Customer: “I have Microword Soft.”
Customer: “Microwave Windows?”
Customer: “It’s not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive.”
Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.”
Customer: “I have Netscape Regulator.”
Customer: “Uhh…I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure.”
Customer: “I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem.”
Customer: “I have Microscope Exploiter.”
Customer: “I have Netscape Complicator.”
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled
and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton – Complaints – 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code
3’ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on
6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
“Mission Impossible” theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using
different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while;
then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
The Professor and the Plumbers
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. “This is one-third of my monthly salary!” he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, “I understand your position as a professor. Why don’t you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don’t like educated people.”
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just
happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students’ knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got “minus pi times r square.”
He didn’t like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a
frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: “Switch the limits of the integral!!”
Is housework and chores keeping you away from the internet? Here are some sure fire short cuts that will have you back online in no time!
Simply close the lid of the toilet. Close the shower door or curtain. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can. That should hold you until you finally get someone to empty the trash. And….then send the kids outside to the ol’ wash tub.
Laundry ? Find a good place to hide it! Turn your clothes inside out and they will last another week. For odors……spray with cologne. If you absolutely need to do it, like you have no underwear (heck who needs underwear), wash them then stick them in the dryer. When it is time to fold them, DON’T! Just run the dryer to get out the wrinkles when you need new clothes.
Call up a salesman for a vacuuming demonstration. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house. Insist that even though the carpet looks the same, it really is different in all parts of the house. Some valuable tips for success: Don’t always call same company, keep a chart and rotate. If there are any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit the cat. You may have to add some tuna water to spot in order to insure a thorough job. It’s about time they earned their keep!
Wash the car ? NAH ! Move it into the garage. Heck, you don’t use it anyway. It’s not like anyone is going to see you drive it!
If it doesn’t come off in the dishwasher, call grandpa to come help. He’s always willing to do anything for you. For really stubborn crud, just throw the dish out and start fresh. An even better idea, use paper plates, plastic utensils, paper napkins, etc. Write everyone’s name on the plate or cup so they can use it over n’ over n’ over.
Mowing problems solved! Raise goats for some extra income. Set them loose in the yard and they will keep the grass trimmed nice and neat. Plus they’ll eat any of the debris that gets in the yard. Sell them in the winter, then you can start with a new bunch in the spring.
Now ya’ have time for the net !
[Tom DeLay] said he wants to spend more time laundering money with his
– David Letterman
Former Speaker of the House Tom Delay resigned from his seat in
congress; That’s right, Congress will now proceed without any further
DeLay. -Alex Kaseberg
Once upon a time, a man asked his girl, “Will you marry me?”
She said, “No.”
And they lived happily ever after.
BOUDREAUX AND THIBODEAUX FIXED THE LEVEE PROBLEM IN NEW ORLEANS.
THEY PUT UP A HURRICANE FENCE!
I feel so much safer now!
The New Patio
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the
first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out
in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more
space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down,
only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following
morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our ‘nosey’ next-door neighbor asked,
“Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away ‘EVERY’