Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila,
arguing about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, “I’m so tough, I break into the cupboard just to eat
the rat poison.” He slams down his tequila and looks at the
The second mouse replies, “That’s nothing. I’m so tough, I run through a
mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed
trapwire.” He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins
walking away from the bar. The other mice scream, “Hey, Softy, where do you
think you’re going?”
The third mouse replies, “Home to shag the cat.”
Two boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are
always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief
occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to
see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed
with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even
more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his
closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “what happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this
time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!”
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a
study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
The response was gratifying; they got 3,879 responses one hour after
the ad came out.
All from the same person.
Funny Jokes – The Mommy Test…..
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that.
“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and
asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “…everyone knows this stuff. Um,
it’s on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you
be a Mommy.”
“Oh.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information.
“I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the
Funny Jokes – Spirited KITTY
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe’s bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.
One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe
slammed the door, severing the cat’s tail at its base.
This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired
on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.
Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat
mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the
tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: “I can’t. You know the law:I
can’t retail spirits after 2:00 AM.”
Q. What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild
The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp.
That shows you how strange life is for racehorses.
You win the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp.
Lose a race, you wind up on the back.
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
Fourteen years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad. He is
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he’s hopelessly out of
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he’s had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.
Fifty years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
What Gender Is It?
If you’re like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.
Ziploc Bags — Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
Copier — Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed. But can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tire — Male, because it goes bald and often it’s over inflated.
Hot Air Balloon — Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it. And, of course, there’s the hot air part.
Sponges — Female, because they’re soft and squeezable and retain water.
She was Soo Blonde.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says “Sign here:” she