Joke of the Day » The wrong color – an off-color joke?

July 31, 2006 at 6:55 pm (Daily Joke, Death, Death Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Gross, Gross Humor, Gross Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Off-Color, Sick Jokes)

Joke of the Day » The wrong color – an off-color joke?

A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.

The instant she saw him she started crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”

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Joke of the Day – For Wine Connoiseurs …

July 30, 2006 at 8:17 pm (Daily Joke, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Wal-Mart, Wine)

For Wine Connoiseurs…..

BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS-

Wal-Mart customers will soon be able to sample a new discount item–Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 – $5 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, “There is a large market for cheap wine,” said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at R. Williams University in Bristol, R.I. “The right name is definitely important.”

So, here we go…The TOP 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine…

12) Chateau Traileur Parc

11) White Trashfindel

10) Big Red Gulp

9) Grape Expectations

8) Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”

7) NASCARbernet

6) Chef Boyardeaux

5) Peanut Noir

4) Chateau des Moines

3) I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!

2) World Championship Riesling

And the # 1 suggested name for Wal-Mart Wine…

1) Nasti Spumante

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Joke of the Day – Funeral Services

July 29, 2006 at 12:18 pm (Aging Jokes, Daily Joke, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes)

Joke of the Day – Funeral Services
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home is it?”

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Joke of the Day – Creating Jobs

July 28, 2006 at 11:55 pm (Daily Joke, Economics, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Politics, President)

Joke of the Day – Creating Jobs
Two older gents working as waiters were talking:

“You’ve got to give the President credit for creating all of these new jobs.”

“Yes, I know, I have three of them.”

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Joke of the Day – The Nature of Proof – GETTING A LIBRARY CARD

July 27, 2006 at 11:26 pm (Daily Joke, Funny, Funny Joke, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes)

Joke of the Day – The Nature of Proof – GETTING A LIBRARY CARD
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the man.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof,” said the little man.

“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.

“Well, I was at the library, I found the books I wanted and got in line to check them out. When I got to the front of the line, they told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line to get the proper forms. I filled out the forms for another card and got back into a third line for my card.”

“And?” said the judge.

“When he asked, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ … I stabbed him.”

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Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Joke of the Day

July 26, 2006 at 4:09 pm (Daily Joke, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Golf, Golf Jokes, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes)

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Joke of the Day

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
– Grantland Rice

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
– Horace G. Hutchinson

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
– Unknown

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
– Mark Twain

Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
– Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
– Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures – and not in still waters.
– Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
– George Deukmejian

Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
– John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
– Robert Lynd

They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
– Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
– Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
– William Wordsworth

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
– Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
– Tommy Bolt

I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes – they’d come up sliced.
– Unknown

My handicap? Woods and irons.
– Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.
– Pete Dye

I’m hitting the woods just great – but having a terrible time getting out of them!
– Unknown

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
– Billy Graham

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
– Jack Lemmon

If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
 – Unknown

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
– Unknown

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Joke of the Day – A blonde’s flight to Houston

July 25, 2006 at 12:09 pm (Blonde, Blonde Jokes, Blondes, Daily Joke, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Houston, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes)

Joke of the Day – A blonde’s flight to Houston

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies “I’m blonde,  I’m beautiful,  I’m going to Houston and I’m going to stay right here!” The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the dumb blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says “You say she is blonde?  I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry,” gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy Section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her First Class wasn’t going to Houston.”

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Joke of the Day – FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

July 24, 2006 at 11:35 pm (Daily Joke, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Words)

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
………………………………………………………………
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
………………………………………………………………
2. A will is a dead giveaway
………………………………………………………………
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
………………………………………………………………
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
………………………………………………………………
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your
Count that votes.
………………………………………………………………
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
………………………………………………………………
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
………………………………………………………………
8. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat
miner.
………………………………………………………………
9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
………………………………………………………………
10. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
………………………………………………………………
11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
………………………………………………………………
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
………………………………………………………………
13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
………………………………………………………………
14. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
………………………………………………………………
15. A calendar’s days are numbered.
………………………………………………………………
16. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
………………………………………………………………
17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
………………………………………………………………
18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
………………………………………………………………
19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
………………………………………………………………
20.A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.
………………………………………………………………
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
………………………………………………………………
22. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
………………………………………………………………
23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
………………………………………………………………
24. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
………………………………………………………………
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
………………………………………………………………
26. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
………………………………………………………………
27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
………………………………………………………………
28. Diarrhea:  hardening of the farteries.
………………………………………………………………
29. Difference between an elephant fart and a saloon:  A saloon is a
barroom. An elephant fart is a ba-rroom!

Quotes – Famous Quotes – For Lexophiles

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Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Customer Testimonials – Brother in Phoenix

July 24, 2006 at 3:17 pm (Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Phoenix, Testimonials)

Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Customer Testimonials – Brother in Phoenix
Customers of a pharmaceutical company were constantly being pestered for testimonials to use in promoting the firm’s products. 

Finally one senior citizen decided he’d had enough.
“I’ve been totally deaf for the last fifteen years”, he wrote. “But after using your ointment for only two weeks, I heard from my brother in Phoenix.”

Funny Jokes

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Joke of the Day – A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

July 23, 2006 at 11:17 am (Attention Deficit Disorder, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes)

Joke of the Day – A.A.A.D.D. – Age  Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how is manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car.  As I start toward to the garage, I notice
that there is mail on the hall table.  I decide to go through the
mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash
can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
trash first, but then I think that since I’m going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills
first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check
left.       My extra checks are in my desk in the study, o I go to my
desk where I find  the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going
to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I
don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading
 glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for
the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so
I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll
water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember
what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I
realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you?  Forward this message to close friends you
know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!  And if I have
sent this to you before….well, now you know why you’re getting it again.

Quotes

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