A Catholic school teacher was asking her students what they want to be when they grow up.
“I want to be a fireman!” said John.
“Oh, very good John. Community service for the Lord!” the teacher praised.
“I want to be a nurse!” said Jane.
“Excellent! You can be a healer just like Jesus was!” the teacher cooed.
Then little Mary stood up and said: “I want to be a prostitute!”
At this, the teacher fainted on the spot. After a while, she regained her senses. She marched right up to Mary and demanded: “WHAT.. DID YOU JUST SAY?”
“I said, I want to be a prostitute!” replied Mary.
“Oh, thank heavens! For a moment, I thought you said you want to be a Protestant!”
What Does Love Mean???
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” …Rebecca – age 8 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” …Billy – age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” …Karl – age 5
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old… I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans… but my main concern was, naturally for my child.
My fears were alleviated though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, “Again!”
Black and White…..
(Under age 40? You won’t understand.) You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV set, “Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.” Depending on the channel you tuned, You got Andy and Opie – or Ward and June. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoy’s, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys, Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane. Father Knows Best, Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night! — Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives… Good guys always won the fights. Now nothing is the way it seems, In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too many fights, I wanna go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept, A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their vows. They’d never make the network now. But if I could, I’d rather be In a TV town in ’53. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.
I’d trade all the channels on the satellite, If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right. Life was better in black and white!
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. “So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?” Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.” “Oh, my god,” says Sid “So that’s what heaven is like?” “Oh no,” says Irv. “I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.”
I worship the quicksand he walks in.
– Art Buchwald
“The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started.”
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished….and before getting to my work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, my Prozac, some valium, my cigarettes and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freakin good I feel…. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace…
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.
– Oliver Goldsmith
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
– Ada Leverson
How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He’s the one with the sesame seed buns!