Joke of the Day – Jewish Grandmother – Directions

September 9, 2008 at 4:26 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Joke of the Day, Jokes) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Funny Jokes – Jewish Grandmother – Directions

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell”.

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?

“You’re coming empty handed?”

Funny Jokes

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Christmas Gifts

September 8, 2008 at 4:47 am (Christmas, Christmas Humor, Christmas Jokes, Comedy, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Holiday Humor, Holiday Jokes, Holidays, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Joke of the Day – What To Say About That “Special” Christmas Gift

Christmas Humor

Hey! There’s a gift!

Well, well, well …

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

Gosh! I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

To think…I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

I really don’t deserve this.

It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

Quite Funny Jokes

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Joke of the Day – Time to Rest

September 7, 2008 at 10:47 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

TIME

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”

The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”

More Funny Jokes

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Clocks in Heaven (humor)

April 5, 2008 at 9:10 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Democrat, Democrats, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day) (, , , , , , , , )

Clocks in Heaven (humor)

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Billy Graham‘s. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man, “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln‘s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.”

“Where’s Hillary Clinton‘s clock?” asked the man.

“Hillary’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

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Joke of the Day – Changing a Light Bulb

March 16, 2008 at 9:37 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day) (, , )

Changing a Light bulb – Joke of the Day

How many executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
2 : one to call the electrician, the other to mix the martinis.

 

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

 

Taxidermists?
It doesn’t matter, they’d all stuff it up anyway.

Policemen?
9 : 8 to surround the lightbulb, 1 to hold the megaphone.

Irishmen?
100 : 1 to hold the lightbulb, 99 to turn the house.

Secret Agents?
100 : 99 to hold the ladder, Maxwell Smart to change the lightbulb.

Optimists?
0 : it’ll probably work in a minute.

Pessamists?
It doesn’t matter, the new one won’t work anyway.

Gorillas?
I don’t know – there was an awful lot of mist.

Egyptian Pharos?
1 : But it takes 1000 slaves to move the ladder.

Playwrites?
400 : 1 to change the lightbulb, 399 to make a song and dance about it.

Comedians?
At least 4 : 1 to change it, the rest to say they thought of it first.

Midgits?
It doesn’t matter, they’d never reach it anyway.

Documentary makers?
1 : But they need 6 months and a camera crew.

Male Chauvenists?
0 : It’s a woman’s job.

Gardeners?
16000 : Don’t ask.

Therapists/Social Workers?
1 : But the lightbulb has to _want_ to change.

Reactionaries?
0 : They’re opposed to all change.

Politicians?
2 : 1 to change the light bulb, the other to leak it to the media.

Blind men?
Never mind.

Babysitters?
1 : As long as they can find a nappy small enough.

Clones?
20 : 1 to change the lightbulb, 19 to point to each other and say
“he did it”.

Arnold Schwarzeneggers?
348 : Trust me.

Builders?
50 : And 24 months work.

Council Road Workers?
12 : 1 to change the lightbulb, 11 to lean on their spades.

Doug Anthony All Stars?
4

Exaggerators?
1 : Well how many did you expect?

Euthanasia Advocates?
1 : But they change it before it’s broken so it can “go with dignity”.

It is possible to make infinite variations by substituting particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse.

Submitted by Tanja Cilia

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One Liners…..

February 27, 2008 at 5:30 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day) (, , , , , , , )

Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality

comes

from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

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A Little Dirty…

February 26, 2008 at 9:30 am (Aging Jokes, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Doctor Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Medical Jokes, Off-Color) (, , , , , , , )

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re darn right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

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Top 45 Oxymorons

February 22, 2008 at 9:42 am (Computer Jokes, Computers, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Diet Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Life, Life Jokes) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Top 45 Oxymorons

Now top 75 Oxymorons with additions by twitter people identified below

Some other fun stuff when you are done here:

Famous Quotes . Sayings . Funny Jokes . Famous Recipes

Stumble this Post

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. “Now, then …”
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Adding more Oxymorons to the top 45 Oxymorons based on this twitter message: Oxymorons

46. Jumbo Shrimp via @wbaustin
47. Deafening Silence via @PhoenixComedy
48. Hotwater Heater via @tinkertoytech
49. Forward Retreat via @wbaustin
50. Open Secret via @wbaustin
51. Bittersweet via @wbaustin
52. Uniquely Similar via @wbaustin
53. Civil War via @wbaustin
54. Organized Mess via @wbaustin
55. Smart Politician via @Rauterkus
56. Completely Unfinished via @wbaustin
57. Partially Complete via @DavidGleason
58. Freezer burn via @wbaustin
59. Rock opera via @wbaustin
60. Reality TV via @KarenSloan
61. Handsoff mentoring via @andybrwn
62. Organic pesticide via @wbaustin
63. legendary new novel via @jemyl41
64. secondary headline via @jemyl41
65. legend in his own time via @jemyl41
66. clean dirt via @jemyl41
67. sanitized soil via @jemyl41
68. civil service via @BCLobbyist
69. Great Depression via @alfabettezoupe
70. Cold Sweat via @saiffe
71. Latin America via @saiffe
72. simply confusing via @cyndeZu
73. Amtrak Schedule via @paulhyland
74. Virtual Reality via @paulhyland
75. Corporate Responsibility via @paulhyland

(Please feel free to add more in comments or via twitter in response to the tweet above or by @reply to @wbaustin)

Rush Hour

Rush Hour

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Two Minute Management Course…..

February 21, 2008 at 10:34 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Work, Work Jokes) (, , , , , , , )

Two Minute Management Course…..

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree — resting…doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do
nothing”? The eagle answered, “Sure, why not”? So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree; but, I haven’t got the energy”, sighed the
turkey. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?”, replied
the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients”. The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally, on the fifth day, he found
himself proudly perched at the top. There, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top; but, it won’t
keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird’s wings froze and he fell to the ground in a large field. While
he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how
warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! The bird lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard
the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out
and ate him.

Management Lessons:
1.) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2.) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3.) And, when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!!!

This concludes your two-minute management course.

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One Liners…..

February 20, 2008 at 10:18 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day) (, , , , , , , )

Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality

comes

from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

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