The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican’s pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.
Now you understand the difference between Republicans & Democrats.
CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
`remove’ all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay’ shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open
here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETONIC (peh ton’ ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re
only six inches away.
Tax Cuts – As Explained By A Democrat
If you don’t understand the Democrats’ version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it:
50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due
The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee’s interpretation of fairness.
After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unfair and unconscionable.
People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an “Earned Income Ticket Credit.” Persons “earn” it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that’s only fair.
People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don’t need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.
The people driving (or walking) by the stadium who couldn’t afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn’t pay anything in, because they need the most help (sometimes known as Affirmative Action!).
Now do you understand?
If not, contact Representative Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy or Senator Hillary Clinton for assistance.
Joke of the Day – Senator Edward Kennedy
“He isn’t pro choice or anti choice. He’s multiple choice.”
Senator Edward Kennedy on former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney’s positions on abortion
SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?
Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor
of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the
kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.
Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
numbness all over…the “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”
So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.
Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving…even duri ng the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees…somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to
pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk. “It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift.” … “So, how’d you break your arm?
“Stupidest Statements Awards” of 2006
The “Stupidest Statements Awards” of 2006, bestowed upon famous people for their misjudgments and misstatements, have just been announced by Mega Genius, “the man with the perfect IQ.” His fourth annual prizes of recognition for what he calls “crash-and-burn lapses in intelligence” by well-known personalities are just for fun.
1. Paris Hilton, “celebutante” and hotel heiress who revealed to the Los Angeles Times, “The stupid blond stereotype, it was cute for a while, but I’m over that now,” (August 13, 2006) for her grasp of world affairs, when asked by British GQ magazine if she was a fan of Tony Blair, Prime Minister of the UK: “Tony who? Oh yeah, he’s like your president? I don’t know what he looks like.” August 5, 2006.
2. Ted Stevens, 82-year-old US Senator from Alaska and chairman of the Senate Committee on Science, Commerce and Transportation, for explaining in a speech how the Internet actually works: “It’s a series of tubes.” June 28, 2006.
3. Guy Fournier, chairman of the Canadian Broadcasting Corp., for his false allegation in Quebec’s 7 Jours magazine, which resulted in his resignation: “[Translated] In Lebanon, the law allows men to have sexual intercourse with animals, as long as they are females. Doing the same thing with male beasts can result in the death penalty.” September 9, 2006.
4. George W. Bush, US President, for his answer at a press conference when he was asked if the tide was turning in Iraq: “I think tide turning see, as I remember I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of it’s easy to see a tide turn did I say those words?” June 14, 2006.
5. Charles Barkley, Basketball Hall of Famer, for his approach to his gambling addiction, which he told ESPN was a “stupid habit” that he estimated had cost him $10 million: “Do I think it’s a bad habit? Yes, I think it’s a bad habit. Am I going to continue to do it? Yes, I’m going to continue to do it.” May 3, 2006.
6. Andrew Young, civil rights leader and former Georgia congressman, UN ambassador and Atlanta mayor, who was hired to improve Wal-Mart’s image, but then resigned after telling the Los Angeles Sentinel that mom-and-pop stores have been overcharging for “stale bread and bad meat and wilted vegetables” and that Wal-Mart should cause them to close: “Well, I think they should. I think they’ve ripped off our communities enough. First it was Jews, then it was Koreans and now it’s Arabs; very few black folks own these stores.” August 17, 2006.
7. George Allen, US Senator and former Governor of Virginia (whose mother comes from Tunisia), for his repeated use of a North African racial slur during a political rally “Macaca” (monkey) directed at a 20-year-old Virginian native, of Indian descent, who worked for the senator’s political opponent: “Let’s give a welcome to Macaca here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia.” August 11, 2006.
8. Michael Richards, three-time Emmy Award winning actor who played Cosmo Kramer on the hit TV show “Seinfeld,” for his onstage racial tirade at the Laugh Factory, in West Hollywood, after a black heckler shouted that he wasn’t funny: Fifty years ago, we’d have you upside down with a [bleep] fork up your [bleep]! You can talk, you can talk, you’re brave now, [bleep]. Throw his [bleep] out. He’s a [bleep]! He’s a [bleep]! He’s a [bleep]! A [bleep], look, there’s a [bleep] November 17, 2006.
9. Alan Hevesi, New York State Comptroller, for his allegation in his commencement address, at Queen’s College, describing US Senator Charles Schumer, his fellow state politician, in a manner that he later admitted was “beyond dumb,” “incredibly moronic,” and “remarkably stupid”: “The man who, how do I phrase this diplomatically, who will put a bullet between the president’s eyes if he could get away with it.” June 1, 2006.
10. Dave Lenihan, talk show host at radio station KTRS, in St. Louis, for mispronouncing the word “coup” when praising US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s qualifications for National Football League commissioner: “She loves football. She’s African-American, which would kind of be a big coon. A big coon! Oh my god! I am totally, totally, totally, totally, totally sorry for that!” March 22, 2006.
Jokes – Pirate Jokes by Famous People
Q: Why don’t pirates get carpal tunnel syndrome?
A: Because they practice … Arrrgghonomics.
A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.
The director grimaces, “But I retired years before I died. I’m tired of all the hassles involved in making movies.”
“Listen,” St. Peter explains, “we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie…”
“You’re not listening to me,” the director protested. “I don’t want to make any more movies.”
“But we’ve got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you,” St.Peter exclaimed.
“I don’t want to make any more movies!” the director insisted.
“Just look at this script,” St. Peter said. “We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!”
“Well,” said the director, “a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare…How can I go wrong? I’ll do it!”
“Great!” exclaimed St. Peter. “There’s only one small hitch… I’ve got a girlfriend who sings…”