Are you an internet junkie?
You know you are an addicted internet junkie if…
1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of
ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.
13. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore
button handy.
17. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for awhile.
18. You say…….”Where did the time go??”
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. …..You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….
22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.
23. You think faster than the computer.
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **
kisses**.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. You’re on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this….”BRB. Leave
your S/N and I’ll TTYL ASAP.”
29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on
instead.
30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.
The race horse
Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man
from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a
six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but
which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and
paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing
and questioned the owner. “Is this horse unsound?”
they asked.
“Not a bit,” said the owner.
“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you
never raced him before?”
“Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “We couldn’t even
catch the critter until he was five years old.”
Mom’s Special Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear
from oven and tell Jr., “No, no.”
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can
away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from
Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages
to scratches sustained while removing shortening from
cat’s tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups
sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and
open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take
telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line
the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to
have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, ½ cup nuts and beat all
ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour
mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from
Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved
cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there’s
still time and he’s still able to run away.
FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar,
1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the
darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away
— far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to
nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr. had slipped
out of the house and was heading down the street. Put
Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring
constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to
neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s
front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined
carpet.
Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse
and call the baker for delivery.
Client Confusion
A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the
following discussion took place.
Attorney: “Well, do you have grounds?”
Farmer: “Yes, I have about 140 acres.”
Attorney: “No, you dont understand. Do you have a case?”
Farmer: “No, but I have a John Deere.”
Attorney: “You still dont understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?”
Farmer: “Yes, sir–thats where I keep my John Deere.”
Attorney: “No, no! I mean do you have a suit?”
Farmer: “Yes, sir–I wear it to church every Sunday.”
Attorney: “Well, does your wife beat you up?”
Farmer: “No, sir. We both get up at 4:30.”
Attorney: “All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you
want a divorce?”
Farmer: “Well, I never have been able to have a meaningful
conversation with that woman.”
Something Smells Fishy
DID YOU HEAR about the man who fashions purses out of dried fish
skins? He’s the only guy we know of who’s in the business of carp to
carp walleting.
Not Bottle Babies
THREE MEN were in the hospital waiting room. The nurse came in and
said, “Mr. Brown, you are now the father of twins.” Mr. Brown
grinned. “How about that–I work for the Minnesota Twins.”
A little later, the nurse came back and said, “Mr. Green, you are
the father of triplets.” Mr. Green beamed. “Well wouldn’t you just
know it,” he said. “I work for 3M.”
When the nurse came back again, the third guy turned white and
passed out. Mr. Brown and Mr. Green carried him to a sofa, and the
nurse revived him. “Are you all right?” she asked. “I’m not sure,”
the fellow admitted. “You see, I work at the 7-Up bottling plant!”
Test of Strength
BILL THE BRAGGER was at the county fair telling anyone who would
listen about his athletic prowess. No one would challenge him until
a stranger piped up. “I’ll wager you $50 I can push something in a
wheelbarrow for 20 yards and you won’t be able to wheel it back,”
the stranger said.
Bill looked at the skinny fellow and decided it wasn’t much of a
challenge. “I’ll take you on,” he replied. They borrowed a
wheelbarrow and took it to the starting point. “Let’s see what
you’re made of,” Bill taunted. “Okay,” the stranger answered matter-
of-factly. “Get in.”
Listen to the Doctor
HANK SMITH became so ill his wife, Lizzie, sent for the doctor. When
Hank heard the doc enter the house, he closed his eyes and didn’t
move. Doc looked him over and declared in a loud voice, “Why, this
man’s dead!”
At that, Hank’s eyes flew open and he yelled at the doctor, “I ain’t
dead!” Lizzie hushed him up. “Now, Hank, you be quiet,” she
scolded. “Doc knows a lot more about these things than you do.”
Tater Talk
A FRIEND who owns a store in town decided to try his hand at gardening. He
planted potatoes and spent a lot of time nurturing his plants. Come harvest, he
had an excellent crop–in fact, some of the potatoes were so large he decided to
display them in his storefront window.
A passerby saw the huge vegetables and came inside to ask if he could buy a
bushel of those potatoes. “I can’t sell you a bushel,” the owner replied. “I’m
not cutting one of my potatoes in half for anyone!”
Temperature’s Rising
TWO good ol’ boys were discussing the summer heat. “It’s been so hot
at my place that I’ve had to give my chickens shaved ice to keep them
from laying hard-boiled eggs,” said one.
“That’s nothin’,” said the other. “This morning I saw my dog chasing a
jackrabbit up the road, and they were both walking.”
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