Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when
they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign
posted that says, “Covert to Catholicism and get $10.”
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”
“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”
Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes
out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”
Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”
Audi Alteram Parten…..
During a Law course class, the ‘Audi Alteram Parten’ rule was explained. Translated it means “To hear the other party”
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn’t understand the rule.
Responded one woman, “My husband!”
An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.
The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, “Case dismissed!”
The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah … and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”
The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!”
The ACLU lawyer pompously said, “We are aware of no such holiday for atheists … just when might that be?”
The judge said, “Well it comes every year at the same time … April 1st!”
Which sort of taxation is fairest?
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white haired man in the back raised his hand. “The poll tax,” he said.
“But the poll tax was repealed,” replied the commissioner.
“Ay-ah,” declared the man, “that’s what I like best about it.”
The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they
want! — Jerry Seinfeld
Daffy Words…Read Very Slowly…
READ SLOWLY—-THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER!
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England,
hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Rowe
even kept a log of the “conversation.” Just as Rowe thought he was on the
verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat
with next door neighbor, Nancy Hollis.
“My husband spends his nights … calling out to owls,” said Mrs. Rowe.
“That’s odd,” Mrs. Hollis replied. “So does my John.”
Then it dawned on them.
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a
tire without losing your place in line.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are
just as many people trying to get to whatever you’re
trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush
hour traffic. You’re glad for the opening, but you wonder
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take
the day off …. even then, you’re cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some
places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and
make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to
buy the car driving next to you.
* Our highways have become insane asylums with turn
Q: What’s the difference is between a Jewish mother and an
A: An Italian mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill you.”
A Jewish mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill myself.”