Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
But when I wind up this observation,
Funny Jokes – School…
In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers
were talking about reincarnation. One teacher remarked “If there’s
anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I’d like to come
“Oh, tell us what,” said a couple of colleagues.
“I’d like to come back,” said the teacher, “as a childhood disease.”
Two star (pick your “favorite” college) football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. After a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in.
The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big “F” on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated.
“How?” the coach demanded.
The teacher showed him answer number six.
The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read ‘I don’t know.’ “That proves nothing.” said the coach.
So the teacher handed him the second test. The answer to number 6 read ‘I don’t know either.’
CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
`remove’ all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay’ shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open
here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETONIC (peh ton’ ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re
only six inches away.
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
“What else do you have?” asks the student.
“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these and swallows them and has new knowledge on those subjects.
Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”
The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”
The Professor and the Plumbers
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. “This is one-third of my monthly salary!” he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, “I understand your position as a professor. Why don’t you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don’t like educated people.”
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just
happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students’ knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got “minus pi times r square.”
He didn’t like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a
frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: “Switch the limits of the integral!!”