A bereaved widow is at her husband’s funeral. “We were married thirty- five years before he died.” She said, dabbing away the tears. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said a woman next to her. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them. 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale’s.
Posted today at Funny Jokes
Dear Fellow Business Owners:
As a business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next president, and that my taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Customer will have to see an increase in my fees to them of about 8-10%. I will also have to lay off six of my employees. This really bothered me as I believe we are family here and didn’t know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what I did.
I strolled thru the parking lot and found eight Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars. I have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.
I can’t think of another fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know. I am sending this letter to all business owners that I know.
Downsizing – Funny Jokes
Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very
friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the
local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus
Store” are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked
with all existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, “We’re not Downsizing, we’re Rightsizing!!”
What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don’t remember.”
For Those Who Enjoy Language
1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris…are in-seine.
2. A backward poet writes…inverse.
3. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
4. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
5. Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
7. A man needs a mistress…just to break the monogamy.
8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
13. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
14. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
15. The definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
20. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
25. Local Area Network in Australia: … the LAN down under.
26. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
27. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
28. A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
32. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
34. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
36. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
ECONOMICS OF THE FREE MARKET
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it’s a free market.
A toy company can out-source to a Chinese sub-contractor and claim it’s a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it’s a free market.
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to want to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy.
Cooking Terms …
Recipes: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of
radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the
food is removed, but when it is put in the oven.
While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. “Don’t jump!” the pilot yelled. “This thing is supposed to float!”
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah, and it’s supposed to FLY too!”