Funny Jokes – And God Created Dog and Cat
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
‘Where do pets come from?’
Adam said, ‘Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every
Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me
to remember how much you love me.’
And God said ‘No problem. I will create a companion for you that
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.’
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was
animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’
And God said, ‘No problem. Because I have created this new animal to
reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my
and you will call him Dog.’
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to
and said, ‘Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and
like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has
taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.’
And the Lord said, ‘No problem. I will create for him a companion
be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion
him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not
Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was
And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.
Funny Jokes – Technology At The Supermarket
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and
the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and inhale the scent of
fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with
the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle : (
GETTING A LIBRARY CARD
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down
at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man
in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he
asked the man.
“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof,” said the
“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.
“Well, I was at the library, I found the books I wanted and got in
line to check them out. When I got to the front of the line, they
told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I
went to the registration office and got in another line to get the
proper forms. I filled out the forms for another card and got back
into a third line for my card.”
“And?” said the judge.
“When he asked, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ … I
Funny Jokes – Creating JOBS
Two older gents working as waiters were talking:
“You’ve got to give the President credit for creating all of these new
“Yes, I know, I have three of them.”
A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
phone in the kitchen rings.
“Hello,” says the man answering it.
“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the
“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”
“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d
be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”
“What sort of a problem?”
“Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
matress, it fell out.”
“Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?”
“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just
put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”
“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!”
“And how did you lock it?”
“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says the
housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
“Good! And where did you put the key?”
“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.
“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
going to be so surprised.”
“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”
“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”
Funny Jokes – Wage and Hour Department
A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour
Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help
and sent an agent to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,”
demanded the agent.
“Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I
pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here
for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.
Then there’s the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes
$10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco,” replied the farmer.
“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” says the agent.
The farmer says, “That would be me.”
Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by
reminding at least one unstable person.
Well, my job’s done!
Funny Jokes – Three Canadian Blondes…..
Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before
St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom,
they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde
said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give
thanks and eat turkey.” St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished
her to Hell.
The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth
and exchange gifts.” St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter
said, “So, tell me.” She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having
Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and
the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and
eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very
large boulder … ” St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.” Then the
blonde continued, “Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks
St. Peter fainted.
Funny Jokes – Stupid q’s with smart answers.
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick .
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.
Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us
light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.
Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
Pupil : “A teacher”.
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current
Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot!”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.
Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance
Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what
virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.
Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people
die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
But when I wind up this observation,