Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11
Don’t ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him.
Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
Michael, Age 14
If nothing else, EVERYONE please read the first one. As we move rapidly into a new year, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who have
taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards”
over the last 12 months. Thank you for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
~~*Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open
15 times to get to the message (due to going
past numerous Email addresses of people
I don’t know!!!)
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes ’cause
I now have to go get a wet towel every time I
need to seal an envelope!
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason. Because of your concern, I no
longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains!
I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since
the people who make these products are
atheists who won’t put “Under G~d” on their
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on
a hot day!
I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone might drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send
packages by, UPS or FedEx, since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because
someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their “chickens”
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no
eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers — but that
will change once I receive my free replacement
pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their
I no longer worry about my soul, because
at last count I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me!
Thanks to you, I have learned that G~d only
answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within
I no longer have any savings, because I gave
it to a sick girl who is about to die in the
hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all – but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking
out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon
with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I
know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of mine’s next door
neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
husband’s cousin’s beautician!!!
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1
Hands already in the air.
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None
Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the
decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk
much better he old one was.
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the
need for a
light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that
work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern
dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are
loved. You can be
a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting
planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting
Lutherans don’t believe in change.
What’s a light bulb?
THE WIFE IS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKS, “DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC?”
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed
the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss
asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’ s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are
they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle………
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said,
“I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny…..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying
here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you
have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no!
On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now
NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock!***
so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how
many rabbits have you got?
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give
you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?
Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give
you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how
many bottles of beer have you got?
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits,
and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Tester: How on Earth do you work out that
three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Johnny: I’ve already got one rabbit
at home now!
-You ax people questions …
-You never listen to what the other person is saying…
-And if by chance you did happen to listen …… you don’t care …
-If you disagree with my agreeing with you …
-You say “youz guys” …
-Instead of saying “what’s up with that” you say “what’s up wittit” …
-You know everything about everything and anything …