Irish Jokes
Joke of the Day
Irish Quotes
St. Patrick’s Day Quotes
Saint Patrick was a gentleman…Who through strategy and stealth…
Drove all the snakes from Ireland…Here’s a drinkee to his health!
But not too many drinkees…Lest we lose ourselves and then…
Forget the good Saint Patrick…And see them snakes again!
– Unknown
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Best Bar in The World
Three Irishman are drinking at a bar. he first says: “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The second then starts: “That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink.”
Then the third pipes up. “You think that’s good? Where I come from, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies their friend, “but it happened to my sister!”
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May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow,
and may trouble avoid you wherever you go.
–Irish Blessing
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May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again
–An Irish Blessing
Irish Recipes
Irish Jokes
Christmas Gifts
Joke of the Day – What To Say About That “Special” Christmas Gift
Hey! There’s a gift!
Well, well, well …
Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.
This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
Gosh! I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
To think…I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
I really don’t deserve this.
It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
Joke of the Day – Time to Rest
TIME
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Yes?”
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”
The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
“8:25!”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”
Funny Jokes – Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day – Deaf Jokes
What does Santa Claus say when he loses his hearing-aids?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Why can’t a deaf person be sent to prison?
Because you can’t condemn someone without a hearing.
What do you call a deaf teacher?
Anything you like, he can’t hear you.
Clocks in Heaven (humor)
Clocks in Heaven (humor)
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Billy Graham‘s. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man, “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln‘s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.”
“Where’s Hillary Clinton‘s clock?” asked the man.
“Hillary’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
Elephant Picture
Jake is five years old and learning to read.
elephant!”
Deep breath from Mama … “What did you call it?”
“It’s a frickin’ elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!”
And so it does …
“A f r i c a n Elephant.”
Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?
Joke of the Day – Changing a Light Bulb
Changing a Light bulb – Joke of the Day
How many executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
2 : one to call the electrician, the other to mix the martinis.
HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
Taxidermists?
It doesn’t matter, they’d all stuff it up anyway.
Policemen?
9 : 8 to surround the lightbulb, 1 to hold the megaphone.
Irishmen?
100 : 1 to hold the lightbulb, 99 to turn the house.
Secret Agents?
100 : 99 to hold the ladder, Maxwell Smart to change the lightbulb.
Optimists?
0 : it’ll probably work in a minute.
Pessamists?
It doesn’t matter, the new one won’t work anyway.
Gorillas?
I don’t know – there was an awful lot of mist.
Egyptian Pharos?
1 : But it takes 1000 slaves to move the ladder.
Playwrites?
400 : 1 to change the lightbulb, 399 to make a song and dance about it.
Comedians?
At least 4 : 1 to change it, the rest to say they thought of it first.
Midgits?
It doesn’t matter, they’d never reach it anyway.
Documentary makers?
1 : But they need 6 months and a camera crew.
Male Chauvenists?
0 : It’s a woman’s job.
Gardeners?
16000 : Don’t ask.
Therapists/Social Workers?
1 : But the lightbulb has to _want_ to change.
Reactionaries?
0 : They’re opposed to all change.
Politicians?
2 : 1 to change the light bulb, the other to leak it to the media.
Blind men?
Never mind.
Babysitters?
1 : As long as they can find a nappy small enough.
Clones?
20 : 1 to change the lightbulb, 19 to point to each other and say
“he did it”.
Arnold Schwarzeneggers?
348 : Trust me.
Builders?
50 : And 24 months work.
Council Road Workers?
12 : 1 to change the lightbulb, 11 to lean on their spades.
Doug Anthony All Stars?
4
Exaggerators?
1 : Well how many did you expect?
Euthanasia Advocates?
1 : But they change it before it’s broken so it can “go with dignity”.
It is possible to make infinite variations by substituting particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse.
Submitted by Tanja Cilia
Japanese feats of physical prowess
Here is a bizarre game listed under “Japanese feats of physical prowess“
Joke of the Day - Jokes of the Day 