Hummer and Volkswagen, in a new venture on the lower west coast of Mexico, are going to build a hybrid auto called the Baja-Hum-Bug.
A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell”.
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?
“You’re coming empty handed”?
A lawyer was out golfing when he was hit in the head by a golf ball.
When the other golfer came to get his ball the lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and this is going to cost you $5,000.”
The other golfer said, “Didn’t you hear me yell FORE?”
The lawyer then said, “I’ll take it!!!”
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A Word To The Wise about Female Drivers
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and gave her the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of giving her the finger!
When he retired, Sir Lancelot took the bag of gold that King Arthur gave him and invested it in a women’s sleepwear company. Thereafter he was known as the Nightie Knight.
When our son was four months old, I caught sight of my husband in another room, holding the baby on his lap, talking to him and pointing. I was touched by this father-son bonding and went into the room to eavesdrop.
“Baseball,” my husband said slowly, pointing to the television.
“This is Yankee baseball.”
Top 10 Reasons to vacation at home
According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holiday makers are just never satisfied.
Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:
1 On my holiday to Goain India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.
2 The beach was too sandy.
3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.
4 It rained on my birthday.
5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.
6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
7 It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be
8 We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (=A33.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.
9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn’t taste the same as at home.
10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.
Also visit : Quote of the Day
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security ,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot
into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from
Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the
pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn’t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
“you-did-not- see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the
rest o f his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time
there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was
S I G N S
Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”
Why don’t pumpkins smoke? They’re on the patch.
If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?