Holy Humor – Cowboy Joe

January 8, 2008 at 11:45 am (Comedy, Daily Joke, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Religious, Religious Jokes, Words) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Joke of the Day
Holy Humor

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
    “You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
    “I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
    “The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
    “Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
    “That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
    “Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
    “You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
    “Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
    “Pew,” Charlie retorted.
    “Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

Advertisements

Permalink Leave a Comment

Joke of the Day – English Language

November 11, 2007 at 5:15 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Education Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Words) (, , , , , , , , )

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Definitions

January 26, 2007 at 4:12 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Education Jokes, Funny Humor, Funny Stuff, Humorous, Humour, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Words)

Definitions

CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
`remove’ all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay’ shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open
here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
`illegal’ side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton’ ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re
only six inches away.

Permalink Leave a Comment

The Old Perfesser

October 10, 2006 at 5:29 pm (Aging Jokes, Daily Joke, Funny Humor, Humor, Humorous, Joke of the Day, Life, Words)

Dear Diary,

Whoever said, “Good things come to those who
wait” never sat in a proctologist’s waiting room.

– The Old Perfesser

Permalink Leave a Comment

Murphy’s Laws – Lesser Known Murphy’s Laws

September 30, 2006 at 7:44 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, Internet, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Law, Laws, Murphy's Laws, Words)

Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Joke of the Day – Daffy Words…Read Very Slowly…

August 18, 2006 at 10:42 pm (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Words)

Daffy Words…Read Very Slowly…

READ SLOWLY—-THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER!

1.  ARBITRATOR:   A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds

2.  AVOIDABLE:   What a bullfighter tried to do

3.  BERNADETTE:   The act of torching a mortgage

4.  BURGLARIZE:   What a crook sees with

5.  CONTROL:   A short, ugly inmate

6.  COUNTERFEITERS:   Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7.  ECLIPSE:   What an English barber does for a living

8.  EYEDROPPER:  A clumsy ophthalmologist

9.  HEROES:   What a guy in a boat does

10.  LEFTBANK:   What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11.   MISTY:   How golfers create divots

12.   PARADOX:    Two physicians

13.   PARASITES:   What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14.   PHARMACIST:   A helper on the farm

15.   POLARIZE:    What penguins see with

16.  PRIMATE:    Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17.   RELIEF:    What trees do in the spring

18.   RUBBERNECK:   What you do to relax your wife

19.  SELFISH:    What the owner of a seafood store does

20.  SUDAFED:   Brought litigation against a government official

Permalink Leave a Comment

Joke of the Day – FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

July 24, 2006 at 11:35 pm (Daily Joke, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Words)

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
………………………………………………………………
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
………………………………………………………………
2. A will is a dead giveaway
………………………………………………………………
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
………………………………………………………………
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
………………………………………………………………
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your
Count that votes.
………………………………………………………………
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
………………………………………………………………
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
………………………………………………………………
8. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat
miner.
………………………………………………………………
9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
………………………………………………………………
10. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
………………………………………………………………
11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
………………………………………………………………
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
………………………………………………………………
13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
………………………………………………………………
14. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
………………………………………………………………
15. A calendar’s days are numbered.
………………………………………………………………
16. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
………………………………………………………………
17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
………………………………………………………………
18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
………………………………………………………………
19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
………………………………………………………………
20.A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.
………………………………………………………………
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
………………………………………………………………
22. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
………………………………………………………………
23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
………………………………………………………………
24. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
………………………………………………………………
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
………………………………………………………………
26. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
………………………………………………………………
27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
………………………………………………………………
28. Diarrhea:  hardening of the farteries.
………………………………………………………………
29. Difference between an elephant fart and a saloon:  A saloon is a
barroom. An elephant fart is a ba-rroom!

Quotes – Famous Quotes – For Lexophiles

Permalink Leave a Comment