A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
phone in the kitchen rings.
“Hello,” says the man answering it.
“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the
“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”
“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d
be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”
“What sort of a problem?”
“Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
matress, it fell out.”
“Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?”
“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just
put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”
“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!”
“And how did you lock it?”
“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says the
housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
“Good! And where did you put the key?”
“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.
“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
going to be so surprised.”
“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”
“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”
1. Kitchen closed – – this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
3. I’m creative; you can’t expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service…If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day…. Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel…..
So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you’ve been sick and unable to
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take
you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”
The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that?
I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”
Is housework and chores keeping you away from the internet? Here are some sure fire short cuts that will have you back online in no time!
Simply close the lid of the toilet. Close the shower door or curtain. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can. That should hold you until you finally get someone to empty the trash. And….then send the kids outside to the ol’ wash tub.
Laundry ? Find a good place to hide it! Turn your clothes inside out and they will last another week. For odors……spray with cologne. If you absolutely need to do it, like you have no underwear (heck who needs underwear), wash them then stick them in the dryer. When it is time to fold them, DON’T! Just run the dryer to get out the wrinkles when you need new clothes.
Call up a salesman for a vacuuming demonstration. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house. Insist that even though the carpet looks the same, it really is different in all parts of the house. Some valuable tips for success: Don’t always call same company, keep a chart and rotate. If there are any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit the cat. You may have to add some tuna water to spot in order to insure a thorough job. It’s about time they earned their keep!
Wash the car ? NAH ! Move it into the garage. Heck, you don’t use it anyway. It’s not like anyone is going to see you drive it!
If it doesn’t come off in the dishwasher, call grandpa to come help. He’s always willing to do anything for you. For really stubborn crud, just throw the dish out and start fresh. An even better idea, use paper plates, plastic utensils, paper napkins, etc. Write everyone’s name on the plate or cup so they can use it over n’ over n’ over.
Mowing problems solved! Raise goats for some extra income. Set them loose in the yard and they will keep the grass trimmed nice and neat. Plus they’ll eat any of the debris that gets in the yard. Sell them in the winter, then you can start with a new bunch in the spring.
Now ya’ have time for the net !