How to avoid the flu

November 29, 2006 at 2:31 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Life, Sick Jokes) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

How to avoid the flu

Swine Flu Jokes

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the
elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go
for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So……
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery
in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell
jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it,
if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Swine Flu Jokes

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Joke of the Day – CONFESSIONS

November 26, 2006 at 6:37 pm (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Religious, Religious Jokes)

Funny Jokes – CONFESSIONS

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.

When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. “Father, I am sinful. ” “Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.” “Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it’s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us.

Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. ”

“That’s bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.” “Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.” “That’s not very good of you.” “Father, last month, I went to her uncle’s house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.” “Father? ……… Father?”

suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. “Father? Where are you?” He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

“Father, why are you hiding here?” “Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.”

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Funny Jokes – Bad Drummer

November 19, 2006 at 11:31 pm (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day)

Funny Jokes – Bad Drummer

A nightclub owner hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain his customers. After several performances, he discovered the drummer had walked away with some of his valuables, so he notified the police and had him arrested.

Desperate for another drummer, he then called a friend who knew some musicians.

“What happened to the drummer you had?”   he asked the club owner.

“I had him arrested,” was the replied.

His friend paused for a second and asked, “How badly did he play?”

Drummer

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Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus

November 18, 2006 at 6:27 pm (Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Golf, Golf Jokes, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day)

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home
on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she
becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into
the driveway.

“What happened?” asked the wife. “You should have been home hours ago!”

“Gus had a heart attack at the third hole,” replied the husband.

“Oh, that’s terrible,” said the wife.

“I know,” the husband answered. “All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus,
hit the ball, drag Gus . . . “

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Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus

November 18, 2006 at 6:26 pm (Businessmen, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Death, Death Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Golf, Golf Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Jokes, Jokes of the Day)

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home
on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she
becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into
the driveway.

“What happened?” asked the wife. “You should have been home hours ago!”

“Gus had a heart attack at the third hole,” replied the husband.

“Oh, that’s terrible,” said the wife.

“I know,” the husband answered. “All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus,
hit the ball, drag Gus . . . ”

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Funny Jokes – Atheists Holiday – Humor for the Holidays

November 17, 2006 at 11:31 pm (Atheist, Atheists, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Holiday Humor, Holiday Jokes, Holidays, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Lawyer, Lawyer Jokes, Politics, Religious, Religious Jokes)

Funny Jokes – Atheists Holiday

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.

The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said,

“Case dismissed!”

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah … and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!”

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, “We are aware of no such holiday for atheists … just when might that be?”

The judge said, “Well it comes every year at the same time … April 1st!”

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My Forgetter

November 16, 2006 at 2:12 pm (Aging Jokes, Daily Jokes, Funny Humor, Funny Jokes, Humorous, Life)

My Forgetter…

My forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself “who was that?”
Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

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KNOWLEDGE PILLS

November 15, 2006 at 2:23 pm (Daily Joke, Education Jokes, Funny Humor, Testimonials)

KNOWLEDGE PILLS

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these and swallows them and has new knowledge on those subjects.

Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

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Halloween Jokes – Halloween Humor – Funny Jokes

November 12, 2006 at 4:50 pm (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Halloween, Halloween Humor, Halloween Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, Internet, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day)

Halloween Jokes – Halloween Humor – Funny Jokes

Q. What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a squash? A. a squashed pumpkin pie.

Q. What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? A. Ok, that’s a wrap.

Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? A. Give him screws.

Q. What can’t you give the headless horseman? A. A headache.

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business? A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What’s a monsters favorite desert? A. I-Scream!!

Q. Riddle: the maker does not want, it the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? A. a coffin.

Q. Why don’t mummies take vacations? A. They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

Q. Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street? A. He was dying to get to the other side!!

Q. What did the corpse’ mom do when her son was bad? A. Ground him

Q. Why was the mummy so tense? A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.

Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins? A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.

Q. What did the bird say on Halloween? A. Trick or tweet!

Q. What was the mummies’ vacation like? A. Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.

Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A. A pumpkin patch!!!

Q. Who are some of the were-wolves cousins? A. The what-wolves and when-wolves.
 
Funny Quotes

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Baseball Jokes

November 11, 2006 at 6:26 am (Baseball Jokes, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day)

There once was a king who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he arranged and shared with them. As will happen, the king died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal lover to the core, and
 immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing.

His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they finally ousted him.
This was a truly a significant event because it’s the first time a reign was ever called on account of game.

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