Her skin was white as leprosy.
– S. T. Coleridge
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
– Abraham Lincoln
On doctor’s orders, Marvin had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services. Marvin’s brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of.
“Would you like to see the body?” the undertaker asked.
“I might as well take a look at it before the others get here.”
The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
“He looks good,” the brother said. “Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him.”
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant? “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off. – Emo Philips
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
– H. H. Munro
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
– Oscar Wilde
Two guys in a bar …………………..
One says, “Did your hear the news? Our mate is dead!” “My God, what happened to him?” “Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom, he hit the pavement, the the car flipped up and he flew through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” “Gosh, what a horrible way to die!” “No, no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.” “Damn it, what a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No, no, that didn’t kill him. He survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off himself and he crawled out onto the landing where he tried to pull himself up on the banister but, under his weight, the banister broke and he went falling down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken spindles fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.” “Hell, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water. Whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off.” “Man, what a way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He was lying on the floor, covered in boiling water and he spotted the phone and tried to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted with a wallop — 10,000 volts shot through him.” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he…” “Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?” “Damnit man, he was wrecking my house!”
He had delusions of adequacy.
– Walter Kerr
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
“Darling,” he says. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,”
he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and
she’s a far better lover than you are.”
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck.. “I want the house,” he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph. “And,” he says,”I’ll have the
bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The wife at last replies – in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got
everything I need.” she says. “Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what have you
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and
says “The airbag.”