Travel Brochure Terms (translated)
Old world charm (Room and a bath)
Tropical (Rainy)
Majestic setting (A long way from town, at end of dirt road)
Options galore (Nothing is included in the itinerary)
Secluded hideaway (Directions to the location are unclear)
Some budget rooms (Sorry, already occupied)
Explore on your own (At your own expense)
Knowledgeable trip hosts (They’ve flown in an airplane
before)
No extra fees (No extras)
Nominal fee (Outrageous charge)
Standard (Sub-standard)
Deluxe (Barely Standard)
Superior accommodations (One complimentary chocolate, free
shower cap)
All the amenities (Two chocolates, two shower caps)
Plush (Both top and bottom sheets)
Gentle breezes (In hurricane alley)
Light and airy (No air conditioning)
Picturesque (Theme park nearby)
24-hour bar (Ice cubes at additional cost – when available)
Kids Say the darndest things…
Say Your Prayers
UNANSWERED PRAYER? The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her
father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his
sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.
BEING THANKFUL A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your
mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she
say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
EXPRESS PRAYER Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving,
Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer
over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather
(to our son’s surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a
gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, “You don’t
pray so long when you’re hungry, do you Grandpa?”
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was
a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary’s mother was horrified. She
pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Gary, whatever made you
do such a thing?”
Gary answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle … and just
then He did!”
TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes sir,” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor >>> asked.
“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”
THE BLESSING My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the
blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied. “Just say what you
hear >>> Mommy say,” my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?”
BEWARE OF TRASH One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our
‘trash baskets’ as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody,
would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to
bless >>> every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and
past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, “And all girls.”
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end,
my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always
add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother’s house Everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right
away.
“Johnny wait until we say our prayer.” “I don’t have to,” The boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer, before eating,
at our house.”
“That’s our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she
knows how to cook!
Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden
They say (?) that the word golf came from the acronym Gentlemen only, ladies
fordidden.
This is about a golf addict:
Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in
love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the
relationship. Ed began by saying to his new lady friend that meant so much
to him, “It’s only fair to warn you that I’m a complete and utter golf nut.
I eat, sleep and breath golf…. so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so
right now”.
“Well, since we’re being honest with each other, here goes,” she replied.
“I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” replied Ed, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, “You know,
it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee
off.”
How come?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press ‘Ctrl-Alt-Delete’ and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Worried to Death
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit
from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the lady, “I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like
you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Are you in any pain?” she asked.
“No, I have never had a pain in my life.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her
major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.”
Southerners
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump. Think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your wife and children.”
He replied, “I’m not married, and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, think of Robert E. Lee.”
He replied, “Who’s Robert E. Lee?”
She replied, “Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee.”
Southerners
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump. Think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your wife and children.”
He replied, “I’m not married, and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, think of Robert E. Lee.”
He replied, “Who’s Robert E. Lee?”
She replied, “Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee.”
Take heed…
| A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, ” Is my time up”? God said, “No. You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied, “Girrrlllllll, I didn’t even recognize you!” |
Senior’s Sharing…
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other
customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was
rejected with the explanation, “We share everything.”
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: “No thank you, we share
everything.”
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man,
“Then why aren’t you eating? What are you waiting for?”
The reply: “The teeth.”
Fish Story with a Bang
Fish Story with a Bang
THERE WAS a man who fished every day and always came back with a
good catch. Eventually, the game warden decided this guy must be
doing something illegal. So the warden put on old clothes and made
friends with the man. “I’ve noticed you always catch fish,” the
warden said. “Can I go out with you?” The fisherman
shrugged. “Sure,” he replied. “See you here at 5 a.m. tomorrow.”
The next day, they went fishing together. The fisherman steered his
boat into a remote part of the lake, then stopped. He opened his
tackle box, took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and threw it
into the water. After it went off, dozens of stunned fish floated to
the surface.
The warden was astounded. “I caught you red-handed,” he said. “I’m
the game warden, and you’re under arrest.” The fisherman said
nothing. He reached into his tackle box, took out another stick of
dynamite, lit the fuse and handed it to the warden. The fisherman
then asked him, “You going to talk or fish?”
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