Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Three Canadian Blondes…..
Funny Jokes – Three Canadian Blondes…..
Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before
St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom,
they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde
said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give
thanks and eat turkey.” St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished
her to Hell.
The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth
and exchange gifts.” St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her
to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter
said, “So, tell me.” She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having
Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and
the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and
eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very
large boulder … ” St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.” Then the
blonde continued, “Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks
of hockey.”
St. Peter fainted.
Funny Jokes – Spirited KITTY
Funny Jokes – Spirited KITTY
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe’s bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.
One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe
slammed the door, severing the cat’s tail at its base.
This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired
on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.
Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat
mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the
tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: “I can’t. You know the law:I
can’t retail spirits after 2:00 AM.”
Funny Jokes – Postal Service
The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp.
That shows you how strange life is for racehorses.
You win the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp.
Lose a race, you wind up on the back.
Worried to Death
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit
from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the lady, “I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like
you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Are you in any pain?” she asked.
“No, I have never had a pain in my life.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her
major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.”
Joke of the Day – Elderly Man
THE MONITOR confirmed cardiac arrest as an elderly
man suddenly lost consciousness. After about 20 seconds of
resuscitation, he came to. Explaining to him that his heart had
momentarily stopped, I asked if he remembered anything unusual
during that time.
“I saw a bright light,” he said, “and in front of me
a man dressed in white.”
Zeroing in on this near-death impression, I inquired
if he could describe the figure.
“Sure, doctor,” he replied. “It was you.”
Don’t step on ducks!
Don’t step on ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest old man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, young, very tall and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The man says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Joke of the Day – Senator Edward Kennedy
Joke of the Day – Senator Edward Kennedy
“He isn’t pro choice or anti choice. He’s multiple choice.”
Senator Edward Kennedy on former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney’s positions on abortion
Joke of the Day – The Director
The Director
A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.
The director grimaces, “But I retired years before I died. I’m tired of all the hassles involved in making movies.”
“Listen,” St. Peter explains, “we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie…”
“You’re not listening to me,” the director protested. “I don’t want to make any more movies.”
“But we’ve got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you,” St.Peter exclaimed.
“I don’t want to make any more movies!” the director insisted.
“Just look at this script,” St. Peter said. “We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!”
“Well,” said the director, “a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare…How can I go wrong? I’ll do it!”
“Great!” exclaimed St. Peter. “There’s only one small hitch… I’ve got a girlfriend who sings…”
Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus
Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home
on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she
becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into
the driveway.
“What happened?” asked the wife. “You should have been home hours ago!”
“Gus had a heart attack at the third hole,” replied the husband.
“Oh, that’s terrible,” said the wife.
“I know,” the husband answered. “All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus,
hit the ball, drag Gus . . . ”
Juan Gonzalez
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How
was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective
replied. “A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?” “I don’t know. But it sure made
a hole in Juan.”
Joke of the Day - Jokes of the Day 