Joke of the Day - Jokes of the Day

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per

hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

“Darling,” he says. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want

a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases

her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,”

he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and

she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and

slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck.. “I want the house,” he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.

“I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph. “And,” he says,”I’ll have the

bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes

him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got

everything I need.” she says. “Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what have you

got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and

says “The airbag.”

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.

Why don’t we just give them ours?

It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200

years, and we’re not using it anymore.

TEAPOT NURSERY RHYME

I’m a size challenged teapot, small in stature and generous of girth

Here is my non-judgmental holding device and

here is my non-pressurized, safety device enabled, fluid releasing orifice.

When I feel temperature augmented and in need of external expression

Then I exclaim in an elevated decibel, yet non-threatening verbal tone,

Adjust my angle and release my non-caffeinated, dairy free organic

contents.

“Food Shopping By Women
1. Park the car
2. Get a cart
3. Fill the cart with useful things in a record time.
4. Put the shopping in a rational way (All the fridge
stuff together, groceries in a separate bag, etc)
5. Pay
6. Go back home.
7. Empty the bags, put all groceries in the
appropriate cabinets, refrigerator compartments, etc., and
tidy everything up.

“Food Shopping By Men”
1. Park the car
2. Get into the store.
3. Get out of the store and pick a cart.
4. Get into the store.
5. Stroll through all the corridors of the store.
6. Stop by the magazines and browse the last
“Sport Illustrated”
7. Buy a pair of socks, 2 frozen pizzas, a case of
beer, Sausages, pistachios and a comic (Optional:
Foldable, swimming pool in winter, Two helmets for the kids
in case they are going to use the bicycles, Fertilizer
(also in winter), some tools that he might use some day)
8. Don’t worry about milk, bread, eggs and other
’superfluous’ items.
9. Put the socks in the bag with the frozen items.
10. Find the slowest line and pay.
11. Go back home.
12. Leave the bags on the table.
13. Put the beers in the fridge.
14. Sit on the couch and read the comic until the
beers are cold.

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter

against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15

and leave it alone.

The phone rings in heaven. St Peter answers: “Hello? Yes? yes? yes? just a moment.” Putting his hand over the receiver he continues, “God, it’s the Pope; he wants to discuss women in the clergy again.”

God, tired of the Pope and his problems, says, “Look, there are millions of people praying right now, and I’m trying to plan Armageddon. Tell him I’m just not available.”

“Of course,” St Peter replies. Removing his hand from the phone, he says to the Pope:

“She’s not available right now.”

The meek may inherit the earth, but probably just in time

to see it sold for taxes.

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an

American. “Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about

them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them.”

The American nodded. “It’s the same in the USA only we see stars too!”