Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
- Frederic Raphael

crotchety old fellow

Tommy was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

“Tommy!! Tommy!! Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?”

Tommy put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, “How about two minutes of silence?”

Fish Memorial Service
We Are All Players

TENNESSEE

A man in Tennessee had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded  to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene  as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked  the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, ‘I got a flat tare.’

The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’

The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a  pickup on I -75. The trooper asked,

‘Got any I. D.?’

The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered,
‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.’

When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Alabama

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head”.

Yep”, he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin it here, cause it says

‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

In Great Detail

One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.

When he finished, the counter clerk asked, “Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?”

“Nothing like that,” the airman said. “I’m going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his
second-grade class for show-and-tell!”

Funny Jokes

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Redneck Jokes

Ah’d Lak Ta Be Prezzident

A redneck calls the White House and says to the receptionist, “Ah’d lak ta be the next Prezzident of this hear Uuuunated States.”

The receptionist, sarcastically asks, “What are you, an idiot?”

To which the redneck replies, “Why, is it required?”