Two Minute Management Course…..

February 21, 2008 at 10:34 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Work, Work Jokes) (, , , , , , , )

Two Minute Management Course…..

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree — resting…doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do
nothing”? The eagle answered, “Sure, why not”? So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree; but, I haven’t got the energy”, sighed the
turkey. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?”, replied
the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients”. The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally, on the fifth day, he found
himself proudly perched at the top. There, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top; but, it won’t
keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird’s wings froze and he fell to the ground in a large field. While
he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how
warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! The bird lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard
the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out
and ate him.

Management Lessons:
1.) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2.) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3.) And, when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!!!

This concludes your two-minute management course.

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Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Job Application

December 12, 2007 at 1:28 pm (Aging Jokes, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Geriatrics, Humor, Humorous, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Wal-Mart, Work) (, , , , , , , , , )

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying
here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you
have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no!
On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock!***

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Johnny wanted to be an accountant,

December 5, 2007 at 5:50 am (Animals, Beer, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day) (, , , , , , , , , )

so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how
many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give
you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give
you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how
many bottles of beer have you got?
Johnny: SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits,
and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: How on Earth do you work out that
three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Johnny: I’ve already got one rabbit
at home now!

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Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Creating JOBS

November 24, 2007 at 5:26 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Funny Stuff, Humor, Humorous, Humour, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Political Humor, Political Jokes, Politics, President) (, , , , , , , )

Funny Jokes – Creating JOBS

Two older gents working as waiters were talking:

“You’ve got to give the President credit for creating all of these new
jobs.”

“Yes, I know, I have three of them.”

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Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Stupid q’s with smart answers.

November 12, 2007 at 5:17 am (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Entertainment, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Funny Jokes – Stupid q’s with smart answers.

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick .

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the
mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us
light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current
affairs.

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot!”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.

Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance
repeated” .

Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what
virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people
die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others
all died”.

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The New Patio

September 15, 2006 at 8:12 pm (Daily Jokes, Funny, Funny Humor, Jobs, Life)

The New Patio

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the
first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out
in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more
space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down,
only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the
patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following
morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our ‘nosey’ next-door neighbor asked,
“Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away ‘EVERY’
night?”

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Joke of the Day – LIFE AFTER DEATH

August 9, 2006 at 4:56 am (Businessmen, Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Death, Death Jokes, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day, Life, Life After Death, Life Jokes)

Joke of the Day – LIFE AFTER DEATH

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

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Joke of the Day – Engineers

August 6, 2006 at 9:25 pm (Daily Joke, Daily Jokes, Engineer Jokes, Engineers, Fun, Funny, Funny Humor, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Blogs, Humour, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Jokes of the Day)

Joke of the Day – Engineers

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
   
    Mechanical engineers build weapons.
   
    Civil engineers build targets.

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Joke of the Day – Creating Jobs

July 28, 2006 at 11:55 pm (Daily Joke, Economics, Funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Humor, Jobs, joke, Joke of the Day, Jokes, Politics, President)

Joke of the Day – Creating Jobs
Two older gents working as waiters were talking:

“You’ve got to give the President credit for creating all of these new jobs.”

“Yes, I know, I have three of them.”

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