A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”
“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”
“You’re darn right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”
The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not Wanting
to harm this old body, I’ve devised the following:
Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Saturday
Pick up the pieces.
Sunday
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.
Whew! What a workout!
A Compliment
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
“I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
He never even heard the shot!
Just In Case / Why, why, why?
With all the talk of restoring the draft, and just in case our Commander-In-Chief G W Bush decides to recall any of us older military retirees, I have already been trying on the old uniforms.
I want to be ready.
So far, only the socks fit.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny…..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying
here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you
have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now
NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock!***
At a wedding, the band leader polled the guests to see who had been
married longest. It turned out to be the old and MrsPerfesser.
So he asked them, “What advice would you give to the newly-married
couple?”
MrsPerfesser said, “The three most important words in a marriage are,
‘You’re probably right’.”
Everyone looked at the old perfesser. He said, “She’s probably right.”
Funny Jokes - Spirited KITTY
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe’s bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.
One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe
slammed the door, severing the cat’s tail at its base.
This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired
on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.
Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat
mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the
tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: “I can’t. You know the law:I
can’t retail spirits after 2:00 AM.”
Remembering Dad
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad. He is
so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he’s hopelessly out of
date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he’s had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.
Fifty years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they
didn’t have anything to do with it.
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”
The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started
singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”
The pastor hollered out “GRACE.” The congregation began to sing
“AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”
The pastor said “POWER” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER
IN THE BLOOD.”
The Pastor said “SEX” The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone
was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, an 87-year-old
great-grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”
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