“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
A Hiking We Will Go…..
Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the
usual tactics to determine direction — moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast
day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin
off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied
the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. “That
was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?”
“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country, all the
TV satellite dishes point south.”
A Compliment
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
“I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
He never even heard the shot!
Let’s Be Honest
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Paulson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Paulson. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”
Just In Case / Why, why, why?
With all the talk of restoring the draft, and just in case our Commander-In-Chief G W Bush decides to recall any of us older military retirees, I have already been trying on the old uniforms.
I want to be ready.
So far, only the socks fit.
My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative’s bad luck. Mom asked, “Do you suppose he has a subconscious desire not to succeed.”“Or maybe it just happened,” said my sister, exasperated.
“Do you know you analyze everything to death?”
Mom was silent for a moment. “That’s true,” she said. “Why do you think I do that?”
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
Searching
As a salesman, I was searching for a certain company in unfamiliar territory. I came to a likely-looking road marked with a small red sign reading: Industrial Center. I was not certain that this was the right road, so I drove back to a gas station to inquire.
The attendant took my arm and pointed to the sign that I had just read, now barely discernible in the distance.
“See that little sign about three blocks away?” he asked.
“You mean the red one that says Industrial Center?” I asked.
“Man!” he exclaimed. “You’ve got eyes like an eagle!”
MISSING HUSBAND
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him
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