Virus Jokes – Deadly Virus
Deadly Virus
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Presidential candidates
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton , Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”
John added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, “Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.”
Weight Loss
Weight Loss
Always looking for a way to drop a few pounds, I was listening closely to a radio spot for a weight-loss center. The announcer’s voice dripped calories as he intoned “Egg nog, gravy, stuffing, cranberries, apple pie…All delicious, but be careful.” He went on to describe more weight inducing items, and concluded by relaying the message that “The average American gains between four and seven pounds over the holiday season.”
My 5-year-old son, also listening, turned to me and said, “Oh, Mom, aren’t you glad you don’t have to worry about that?”
Surprised, I asked what he meant by that.
He replied, “‘Cause we’re not Average-Americans, we’re Irish- Americans! Right, Mommy?”
Wine Joke – Apples and Wine
Wine Joke – Apples and Wine
Beautiful & accurate poetry!
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men… Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
My Turn!!
My Turn!!
New Home Theater System: $2600
63 Inch Plasma Screen TV: $9999
The look on my credit card company’s face when
I file for bankruptcy protection: PRICELESS!
It takes an Italian man…
It takes an Italian man…
It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman…
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck
by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she
wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like
a WOMAN?”
For a moment there is silence.. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all
stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous : tall,
well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt…..one button at a
time. ……
No one moves. ……
He removes his shirt. …….
Muscles ripple across his chest. …..
She gasps………..
He whispers: …….
“Iron this, and get me something to eat….”
Joke of the Day – Boring Jokes – Irish Jokes
Joke of the Day – Boring Jokes – Irish Jokes
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible, it’s too hot, it’s too cold and the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”
“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”
“Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”
“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.
“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”
Grocery Store Shopping with children
Grocery Store Shopping can be enjoyable with children
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”
The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”
